We’re two weeks into the family of four and we’re still adjusting.
Daughter has shown a good interest and care of the new boy – she wants to see him when she wakes up and say good night when she goes to bed which is great to see.
She’s not as impressed with her parents though, and is giving us a hard time, pushing and testing her boundaries and inventing excuses if we upset her by telling he off..
Three examples of our daughters’ imganiation:
- “You made me sad because you helped me too much on the climbing frame”
Real cause of sadness: She wanted to stay at the playground but it was time to go home
- “Daddy made me sad because he wouldn’t let me brush my teeth”
Real cause of sadness: She refused to brush her teeth herself so I did it.
- “I’m sad because Mummy wouldn’t let me get dressed”
Real cause of sadness: Wifey told her off for not getting dressed
We thought daughter might have a problem with the boy and direct anoyance and frustration at him, but didn’t expect us to be at the receiving end so much. She seems to love him and now regularly tells us that we make her sad which is really hard to hear. We have to keep reminding ourselves that she’s only 4 and is trying to process some complex emotions.
Now that our lovely boy is here I’m going to catchup on a few posts about how he got here. As this one is titled, it’s about making babies. Turn away now if you don’t want to read about depression and sex.
Still here? Weirdo. Anyway…. You’d have thought that making a baby would signal good times for a dad who is depressed.
Lots of sex with wifey – what’s not to love?!
Unfortunately it wasn’t that simple. Here’s a list why:
- Anxiety. When I’m having a bad day I don’t like myself very much, and when I feel like that I find it even harder to think that anyone else likes me. This doesn’t put me in the mood for sexy times.
- Rising to the occasion. The medication I take on a daily basis makes it pretty hard to get hard and stay hard. This makes making babies tricky.
- The finale. If I can overcome point one, and manage to beat point two, the most challenging problem is that the medication knocks out a lot of sensation in the old chap, and getting him to complete the job is almost impossible.
- Points 2 and 3 amplify point 1.
It took about 18 months from “yes, let’s make a baby” to “we’re having a baby”. Those were a long 18 months. How we did it:
- Regular discussions with a GP who gave me confidence to be honest and frank about the whole situation.
- Trying Viagra. Didn’t do anything but did make us laugh about what to expect!
- Lots of sex. Sounds obvious but when ever the time was right we’d give it our best shot.
- Not strictly monitoring the time of the month – checking precisely when wifey was most fertile added more pressure to perform and ended up being counter productive.
- Varying medication – when we knew roughly which week would be best to conceive I’d lower my dosage so the physical effects of the drugs weren’t so strong. It meant the mental effects of my mood and anxiety were stronger but we’d work together and try and overcome those – there was no overcoming the physical side effects of the drug.
So if you’re depressed about being depressed and its holding you back from having a baby, PLEASE don’t loose hope. It might feel impossible but it can happen. Talk to your GP (with your partner if that helps) and keep trying different things, both physical and mental. And enjoy the intimacy and love of trying as much as you can.