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Making a baby when you’re depressed

Now that our lovely boy is here I’m going to catchup on a few posts about how he got here. As this one is titled, it’s about making babies.  Turn away now if you don’t want to read about depression and sex.

Still here? Weirdo. Anyway…. You’d have thought that making a baby would signal good times for a dad who is depressed.

Lots of sex with wifey – what’s not to love?!

Unfortunately it wasn’t that simple. Here’s a list why:

  1. Anxiety. When I’m having a bad day I don’t like myself very much, and when I feel like that I find it even harder to think that anyone else likes me. This doesn’t put me in the mood for sexy times.
  2. Rising to the occasion. The medication I take on a daily basis makes it pretty hard to get hard and stay hard. This makes making babies tricky.
  3. The finale. If I can overcome point one, and manage to beat point two, the most challenging problem is that the medication knocks out a lot of sensation in the old chap, and getting him to complete the job is almost impossible.
  4. Points 2 and 3 amplify point 1.

It took about 18 months from “yes, let’s make a baby” to “we’re having a baby”. Those were a long 18 months. How we did it:

  • Regular discussions with a GP who gave me confidence to be honest and frank about the whole situation.
  • Trying Viagra. Didn’t do anything but did make us laugh about what to expect!
  • Lots of sex. Sounds obvious but when ever the time was right we’d give it our best shot.
  • Not strictly monitoring the time of the month – checking precisely when wifey was most fertile added more pressure to perform and ended up being counter productive.
  • Varying medication – when we knew roughly which week would be best to conceive I’d lower my dosage so the physical effects of the drugs weren’t so strong. It meant the mental effects of my mood and anxiety were stronger but we’d work together and try and overcome those – there was no overcoming the physical side effects of the drug.

So if you’re depressed about being depressed and its holding you back from having a baby, PLEASE don’t loose hope. It might feel impossible but it can happen. Talk to your GP (with your partner if that helps) and keep trying different things, both physical and mental. And enjoy the intimacy and love of trying as much as you can.

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Boy babies and girl babies 

There’s only one main difference between having a boy baby compared to a girl baby so far that I’m certain every other parent can relate to – the contents of their nappy.

The anatomical differences are more challenging than I expected, after spending four years getting used to cleaning up female parts (which took some getting used to), I am now faced with a tiny willy and balls to look after.

Here are my top four differences I’m faced with when dealing with tiny boy parts:

  • Willy’s are dangerous, keep that thing covered at all times!
  • Wiping a willy with a cold wipe often encourages more wee to clean up.
  • Cleaning up is always uncomfortable for the chaps little chap, a cold wipe is never appreciated by the boy and he cries every time.
  • Whereas I was used to being careful not to get poo into places it shouldn’t, I now spend ages chasing poo around places it shouldn’t, and the miniature jewels really get in the way, it’s far more fiddly. I have some appreciation for women who first encounter this set of features and wonder what the hell they’re meant to do with them.

Daughter, meet son. Son meet daughter. Please get on. 

Our family is all together. We’d made plans for daughter To stay with a cousin for a few nights once labour began, and yesterday daughter and son met for the first time, and today everyone was back home together. 

Daughter was deliciously excited when she first met her new brother, but also still quite nervous. She’d want to look and study him, but didn’t want to touch. 

Now that everyone’s home she’s grown in confidence. She’s given him a cuddle and keep “checking on him” in his Moses basket and reporting back the he’s awake or asleep (mostly asleep so far) and just gets on with things. So far he hasn’t made much of an impact, we did the same things we’d normally do, but with a sleeping baby in the room. When wifey wasn’t feeding him she was sleeping, and I think daughter is missing mummy time a lot – it’s still going to be a while yet until things sort themselves out below enough for her to crawl around on the floor with daughter playing. 

Things got interesting at bath time when the boy had his first full wash down. He didn’t like it one bit and began crying. The girl looked utterly bewildered and shocked by this horrible noise and backed away involuntarily saying “I don’t like it, whys he making that noise?!?” She got a little upset and kept asking for it to stop. We explained how everything was new and strange for the baby, and he didn’t understand what was goi g on and crying is pretty much all he can do if he’s confused or doesn’t like something. We also tried to explain that there’s probably be lots more to come, but it’s ok, she doesn’t need to worry, mummy and daddy will look after him and make sure he’s ok. 

She later told wifey she didn’t like the baby wants him to go away.  I was expecting her to come out with that at some point, but not when he was less than a week old!

Waiting

And so we wait. 

Tick follows tock follows tick….

Nothing

Still waiting for the hopefully familiar. 

No baby. Our lives continue to be perched on the edge of the newborn abis.

Feeling pretty nervous about it now. Last night I read through some of my post from this time four years ago in 2012, I’d forgotten how tough it was, it Got me quite scared about what’s coming.

Reading through the old posts, I do talk about how a lot is down to confidence, and I certainly have a lot more of that now which is a good thing. 

I’m hoping it’s a bit like learning to drive – when you first get behind the wheel you can’t imagine how you’re going to be able steer, change gear, accelerate, check mirrors… do all those things together… it all feels overwhelming. But slowly and surely things come together and before too long you’re not thinking about the basics which first flumaxed you, there are bigger things to worry about, like switching lanes on the north circular to make your exit while avoiding being cut up by white van man. And even when you haven’t driven for a while and have to pick up a hire car, you soon get the hang of it. 

Let’s hope…

You’re always pretty

Daughter got some lip balm in a stick for her birthday and it’s making her feel very grown up. 

Mummy, I need it to look pretty

Daughter, you always look pretty, you don’t need that to look pretty. 

Not when I’m grumpy mummy, I don’t look pretty when I’m grumpy

She’s got a point….

Borrowed time 

Baby is over due. We’re fed up.

Today I felt a bit like a single dad as it was a mostly daddy and daughter day. We had a good time though, we went to the park round the corner, had a ride on her scooter, she ate a good lunch (the healthy carrots and tomatoes had to be bribed with wotsits) and we planned dominoes and did some reading.

But I worry about her relationship with wifey as they’re not able to play together much and that could be the case for some time, more out of time than the current physical difficulty when the Boy arrives. 

I feel very conscious of wanting to make the most of the current situation where I can easily give the Girl my undivided attention, and I fear how I’m going to manage sharing myself between them very shortly. 

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