This weekend will be my second Father’s Day, but it feels like my first, for two reasons.
Reason one: This time round I’m not such a bubbling, confused, sleep depraved, anxious, cluster of flesh and bone. Last year baby was barely a month old and I was a wreck. And I didn’t feel like a dad at all, which leads me to…
Reason two: This time I actually feel like a dad, I can announce that title with pride and have some level of confidence in my ability to look after our little one and entertain her. That might sound obvious but for me, and the journey I’ve been on the last 15 months, it’s an in imaginative leap from where I was in my dark times. I sometimes wondered if I’d ever get to this point, and I’m relieved and happy that I have. I know the work has barely begun, but I at least feel my fatherhood foundations are built on much strong rock.
Last year’s Father’s Day lead to some horrible and upsetting arguments, we’re both in a much better place now, and I can’t wait until Sunday.
My parents have been visiting the last few days and the emotional and mental support has been a welcome relief.
They’ve been very reassuring about how well we’re doing and how content the baby looks and it’s reinforced the thought that this whole parenting adventure/ordeal is as much about confidence as it is ability.
Something did come up in one conversation which had a profound impact and wasn’t expected at all. My mum commented on how involved I was, (wifey has been quite I’ll so I’ve had to be very hands on with everything), and my dad agreed, and said it made him feel ashamed of the lack of involvement he had in my early years.
This really took me by surprise, I’ve always thought wonderfully of my dad and wouldn’t change anything about him for the world, and it was difficult seeing him admit such a regret to me.
Times were very different when I was a baby and I understand that completely. I do sometimes forget though just how much the world has changed in the last 30+ years, especially what is now socially acceptable / the norm, and wonder what life will be like 30 years from now.
- Hat tip to Brighton Dad for the thought behind blogging this.
- Sane level “two” as I got fully vomited over this evening and was already tired and frustrated with the day…