This is a hard one to write. Sometimes you think things are going ok, that you’re juggling the different parts of your life without dropping too many balls, and that they’re only small balls anyway, but then you get shown the reality of the situation and find in actual fact you’re being more and more withdrawn and the little balls you’ve dropped are actually quite heavy and are breaking things around you.
To put it simply, I’m actually in a bit of a bad state at the moment and am booked into see a doctor to talk about depression. I don’t know if I’m technically depressed, but I know I’m not well, and it’s getting well beyond my control and having a severe impact on those closest around me and that I need help.
It feels like I’m missing part of my mind, I’m aware that things aren’t right but the part missing is what would usually tell me what’s going on and how to manage it.
So I’m seeing a doctor after pleas from wifey as I don’t know what else to do, and it’s too much for wifey. Maybe I’ll get some pills, or see a councillor?
I started writing this on the way to work this morning and have since read this post from smilingandsparkling about a relapse into post natal depression. Seems it’s a tough time for a few us parental bloggers at the moment, hopefully sharing experiences online like this may make it easier for others to seek help.
Time does fly past when you’re a new dad, I haven’t blogged for over a week and that won’t do.
This morning I was thinking about the little noises baby is making and it made me wonder what her voice will sound like? Something integral to who a person is, how they will be perceived and recognised is yet to develop. That’s a bit weird.
In other less random updates, things have been rather settled. baby is getting good amounts of sleep at night, and once put to bed at between 9:30 and 11 she usually sleeps until about three or four, then after a change and feed, again until seven or eight. Last night she went to bed at 10 and didn’t wake until 6 – amazing! Wifey was actually worried there was something wrong as she hadn’t been woken up earlier but baby fed well and Wifey was back in bed as I left for work – success!
The sleep has been good for me for a few weeks now, I rarely properly wake up when baby wakes at night, the only trouble I’ve had is getting to sleep (I’ve always struggled with insomnia). Work pressures have been building and I find it hard not having any evening downtime to clear my head. I had a chat with Wifey about this, (or rather she had a chat with me). Although I’m quite aware I’m not having a lot of fun yet, I thought I’d been managing OK but Wifey has been worried about my apparently quite obvious unhappiness.
I’m trying to make a few changes – making the most of time with baby when she’s in a cheerful mood after the evening feed, and I hope to start going to the gym again soon to get some downtime and also reverse the extra pounds I’ve been piling on since baby arrived (caffeine doesn’t agree with me so I had/have to rely on sugar to keep me going through the exhaustive days!). Problem is finding the energy after a day at work when you’re knackered and hugely out of shape!
But Wifey is right, I do need to take better care of myself so i just need to bite the bullet. The first few sessions are always the worst…
Since starting this site I’ve had a look at other blogs out there by dads describing their experiences.
Brighton Dad – thebrightondad.wordpress.com
This is an excellent well written blog by a dad who’s been through it all. Started in December 2011, he describes life with one, two and now three children and like me, also juggles a commute into London each day. It’s still regularly updated and doesn’t shy away from any topics!
Diary about a daddy – daaddy.wordpress.com
This blog has been on and off since 2009 but appears to be back in full swing for 2012. It has a lighthearted look at the problems dads are faced with some great stories, including how he unexpectedly delivered his third child himself.
Smile and the world will smile with you, Sparkle and it will smile At you – smilingandsparkling.blogspot.co.uk
A relative newcomer starting in January 2012, this is another Mums view of being a parent with a two year old girl after suffering a difficult pregnancy and labour as well as post natal depression.
Please recommend other blogs/sites worth reading in the comments. Thanks!