I’ve always been a social swearer, and enjoy using a well timed swear word to add impact. But lately it’s got out of control and it’s completely down to our new arrival.
I’ve called her some terrible things late at night or early in the morning, to the point where I’m concerned her first word is going to be something obscene.
Here’s a list of contenders for first word:
- Fucktard I’m not sure where this came from, a combination of fucker and retard, neither of which I’m proud of.
- Fucking poppers I have learnt to hate with vengeance the poppers found on almost every item of baby clothing.
- Cunting poppers Again, I hate these things. Hate them.
- Fucking cunt fuck When one expletive isn’t enough, add another and repeat.
- Shitting hell Usually used when an unexpected bladder or bowel movement occurs.
- Oh for fucks sake Just when you think everything’s cleared up, the change mat is flooded or a bottle of milk gets sprayed over the nursery.
- Fuckety fuck For general use when something diddly is trying to be achieved and baby wriggles all over the place.
- Shitballs Similar to “oh for fucks sake, used in desperation at an unexpected event.
I’m certainly not proud of muttering any of these phrases, it’s not some sort of league table to compete with other dads, just something to share with other dads who may have felt similar frustrations.
Your mind is not your own at 4:30 in the morning and your hands are covered in piss.
I’ve become quite a fan of the TV series Dexter, about a nice serial killer who only murders bad people (it’s better than i describe). Obviously, the lead character Dexter Morgan, has some social issues but tries to lead as normal a life as possible.
In the episode I watched last night, Dexter tells his potty mouthed sister that he’s having a baby:
Debra: A baby? A motherfucking roly-poly, chubby cheeked, shit machine? Are you kidding me?
Dexter: I’ve never heard it described in quite those words before, but yeah.
I’ve never heard a baby called that before either, but it did raise a smile so I thought I’d share!
Maybe it’s not the best programme to watch if you’re suffering from insomnia, but my sleep is getting better and watching a messed-up, nice-guy, serial-killing social-reject come to terms with being a father does actually make things a bit easier to deal with!